Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
