my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Randomize
