I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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