Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
