happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
