How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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