my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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