i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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