Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
