just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
