Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
