ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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