Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
