We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
