I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
