Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
