I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
