I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
