my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
