You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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