you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
