I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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