he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
