Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
