I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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