Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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