she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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