Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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