Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
