what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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