Where is the hickey?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
