just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
