the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
