she looked like the before picture.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
