I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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