Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
