i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
