hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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