you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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