I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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