**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
