I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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