so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
