My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
