Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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