Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
