the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
