I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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