So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
