Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
